1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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