I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
