I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
