So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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