Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
We have started to decorate penises.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
