I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
There are leaves in my underwear?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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