The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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