im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
