So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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