hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
