Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
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Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
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Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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