You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
