before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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