I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
