i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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