I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
