This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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