17 year olds will be the death of me.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
