I want to make a zoo with you.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
