Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
