hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Two words: blizzard sex
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
