Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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