So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
