I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
