I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Holy sore nipples Batman
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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