Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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