we're chasing vodka with high fives
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
