Your face is a jimmy john
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
