Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
