Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
