I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
