mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
