Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
