you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize