If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
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I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
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I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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