a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
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You left your underwear on the fireplace
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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