There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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