One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
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She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
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If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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