Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
