it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
