Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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