My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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