i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize