Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
