I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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