When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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