Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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