So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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