Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
