Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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