I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
