This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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