Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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