I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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