That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
