Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Randomize
