girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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