So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
