hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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