I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
